I Have a Name

Spring, 2007 By Anonymous Surrogate Mare

I cannot tell you how many times it’s happened.

The head horse honcho will be giving people a tour of the stables. She’ll call their attention to Mykleblakka, she’ll fawn over Felix and gush over Gwendellin. Heck, she’ll kiss Bella’s butt up and down the barn.

But when a visitor points to one of the surrogate mares and asks, “Who’s that friendly female over there?”, she can never remember.

Well, you know what? I have a name. I’m not going to disclose it out of fear of recriminations, but trust me: I have one.

And here’s what else I’ve got: a list of demands.

1. A “surrogated by” designation in all relevant registries.
2. Expanded visitation rights
3. Change of title from “surrogate mother” to “gestational professional”
4. Implant veto power (sorry Bragda, your foals are too damn big)
5. Naming rights. I’m partial to Brandine, Amber, and Tonya.
6. Fewer carrots
7. More Doritos
8. Female “rejuvenation” surgery (as needed)
9. Weight loss assistance (as needed)
10.  Institution of a stable-wide post-partum equine depression awareness initiative with sustained funding and no sunset clause.

About this last point: When I see that man coming into my stall with his turkey baster, I know what I’m in for: “Wham, bam, 11 month gestation, Ma’am!” A girl can only take so much.

So treat us right. Because there’s no replacement for a good surrogate.

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